Anita,

I distrust as my starting point. There’s this ambivalent feeling of wanting to get close to people and not doing so. It’s not with individuals, like my friends. It’s when I think in a generality about “people,” I think of a crowd of people, kind of seeing what they can get from me. It’s a hard notion to escape, that people are out to take what they can from you and are looking for someone to exploit, even if it’s poking fun at you for a little ego boost. Somehow. It makes starting interactions difficult.

When I think about it, I *do* some of the legwork. I need to sort through my feelings first, but when I’m done, or sometimes even before that, I do find little things I can do, like look up apartment prices for our current predicament of being gently nudged out of the house.

And yeah. It can be. There’s other sub-fields of it, and I wouldn’t necessarily have to have *one job* in the field to start. I’m flexible enough in this stage of my career. Still, especially with anything regarding artistic endeavors, which ironically is the only sort of work I’ve found meaningful in my lifetime, is notoriously hard to break into. I don’t really feel like I have any other skills that would pay the bills. I did well in school, sure, but it woefully underprepared me for life afterwards. I feel like a child again, learning how to do the most basic things like cook and manage bills. I do have a contact locally who works for an animation studio in my area. I’m scared to really reach out. He works 90+ hour weeks (of his own volition on his own business) but said something to the effect of “if you’re going out and hanging out with your friends instead of working on your demo reel, you’re not 100% dedicated.” and he’s right. I’m not 100% dedicated because it feels like I have no idea of what I’m getting into. I work really hard but it’s undermined by the feeling that it’s never enough.

Thanks,
Capo