Hello everybody!

I have been a regular guest on Tiny Buddha for over a year now – ever since a guy to whom I slowly started warming up after a harsh breakup in May/July 2015 stopped communicating (he resurfaced a couple of times later, but our communication further on was akin to pulling his teeth, so I stopped initiating communication completely).

I tend to give too many details – I think I don’t ever know what might be important and what not, so I spill it all out resulting in REALLY lengthy letters – so I’d rather wait for specific questions.

I also need to apologise in advance more my really long developed sentences. They are best read at slow speed 😉

What I hope to find out is a) what are the reasons for my more than weird choice of partners given that I grew up in a totally normal family with NO dysfunctional relationships and b) why out of the few men that currently meet my “requirements” for unavailability (helas – this seems to be so and I hope to find out why), education (I have two M.A. degrees and believe that a man needs to be a little bit more knowledgeable than a woman), and physical attraction (that to me is simply whether I can see myself together with that man behind my shoulder in a supposed family picture) I can’t get that guy I mentioned in the first sentence out of my head even though I last communicated with him in mid-January and looked up his Twitter account maybe a dozen times since then (he doesn’t post a lot – merely landscapes or people (NOT family, but acquaintances or friends) that he happens to meet.

As for my family, I am an only child, have a half-sister (my father’s previous marriage) who is 11 years older than me and with whom I am not too close. My father is 15 years older than my mother, and I believed for a long time that that was one of the reasons for my penchant for older men (however, there were several exceptions); the other one being that I have always found men (or rather, boys) of my own age immature and not attractive physically. Now that I look back at the men I chose, it seems to me that I “catch” that particular, rather short, moment after which they (men) start to get old, meaning right now one can still give them 40-42 years (even though they might be 45-47) and quite soon – yes, it is a full 50-55. Now that I am 32 years old, it is not a big deal, but imagine when I fell for such men when I was 17 or 24!

There are two more characteristics of my relationship with my parents that I need to mention. The first one is that I considered my father to be the most intelligent man on Earth well into my primary school years and the second that when I became a teenager, I was sort of jealous of my parents being together and enjoying each other’s company whereas I was kind of an additional alien element. Say, if all of us were out for a walk or something, we (as a group) would go where my father suggested. Certainly, there were multiple exceptions and there were many case when my father would say, “She wants it – let’s (or “let her”) do it, but still, at the age of 15 I stopped going with them on holidays preferring to be on my own.

After reading lots of psychological books and knowing how important the father figure is for the daughter AND knowing that we tend to copy the situation we are used to no matter how uncomfortable that might have been, I can’t help but ask whether there is any slightest way a girl might escape that covert competition with her mother if all girls in full families live with fathers and mothers?

As for my relationships with me, I briefly touched upon them when answering laelithia’s posts in the Getting over infatuation with someone who wasn’t real thread.

The one I referred to as #1 was 42 when we met (I was 23), he told me straight away that he had a partner. I was so conceited and sure of myself that I said that didn’t matter. We never had sex because I didn’t want to stop being a virgin that way (no matter how infatuated and head over heels in love with him I was, I still caught some disturbing vibes that he was not to be fully trusted). Overall, we spent two full days and one half day together over the course of, basically, four or five weeks. It ended when I graduated from a graduate school and was to leave to another state for work. Even though before that he had said he would come and see me, then he threw a tantrum (such a scene!) over the phone and that was it. Interestingly enough, a week or two before that, when he stopped calling or emailing me (now I know what that means!), I had a dream just like what happened later in reality.

#2 was 58 at the moment (yes, a 35-year difference) AND a devout Christian who had never ever cheated on his wife. Well, he didn’t technically cheat on her with me, ‘cause we never went all the way. Again, at the time, I was so in love with him (and just a little over three months after my breakup with #1) that I literally felt warmth in his presence and it seemed to me that he was enveloped in a cloud of sunshine.

He, in fact, did give me some sort of a deadline when he would start divorce proceedings with his wife, but then stopped mentioning it and just one or two months after the deadline had passed and I was internally ready to wait for him (even though I knew deep inside that nothing would take place), I met #3.

#3 is very well described in the other thread, but I do need to add that there was a 21-year difference and – yes – he was married, too. And it was an LDR as well. I did some calculations later and found out that out of our six years together, we spent about 18 months living together. No matter how low my opinion of him is right now, I do believe that if his work conditions had been more cooperative back then, he would have divorced his wife of six years (then) and married me. Now I am fairly certain that he would leave me just as he had left his wife and me later on, but that is another story. There was so much passion on his side and mine that there was simply no avoiding this romance, no way.

He stopped communicating in May 2015, had the guts to tell me the truth in July.

In June, out of the blue, that guy I can’t stop thinking about now (very mildly compared to the other crushes), wrote to me. We had met before, met in the autumn of 2015, met several times for joint assignments… Besides that, I remember posting for some picture together in front of other people, my elbow against his arm, something was there… Then at a corporate meeting he barely noticed me, so I forgot about him. Then in June, I saw him again after his return from a business trip, and was surprised that he remembered my name. Then he wrote to me out of the blue. We kept the correspondence for six weeks or so (I remember thinking, “What is going on? If you want to ask me out, just ask me out!”) then he invited me to a get-together with other friends and colleagues, I couldn’t come because I had to be elsewhere because of work. Hadn’t heard from him until October 2015 when we started corresponding again (he wrote to me again). That one went pretty well until February 2016 when he stopped for good. We had one full day together talking plus met for a couple of hours for a walk and had a small talk at work one day. During that one-day meeting, he told me about his family troubles. To cut the long story short, he had been married to his high school sweatheart for 20+ years, then met somebody and went crazy. I don’t know why he didn’t divorce for that other woman, but their romance was stopped. He still couldn’t forget her all the way. So needless to say that no counselling for getting back together with his wife helped. I can count at least three times when he put his wedding ring back on and four times when he took it off. The last one was in February 2016 (put on), took off in June or July 2016. But didn’t write to me again. There were a couple of lines from him, but nothing leading to a meaningful discussion of his behavior. He flirted several times and (I think) tried to find out whether I was still single. But nothing. And oh yes, and in December 2015, after a particularly nasty quarrel with his wife, he wanted to crash on my floor. We had never even kissed, just hugged, and I had no intention to sleep with him, and by then I had read advice from men that in similar cases men should be treated as friends (one doesn’t obsess about friends if they don’t write every day, does one?), so I tried to treat him as a friend. He cancelled his visit that night adding that he “can’t have a serious relationship now. I can only be a friend, a good friend, a fun friend, but nothing more than a friend.” Well, we never went out even as friends after that, so I guess he wasn’t such a good friend after all. Then he stopped writing at all, as I mentioned above. Our paths crossed at work a couple of times, our eyes locked for what seemed like eternity, but he never wrote of his own accord. Once we even met at a friend’s party, he sought a place opposite mine, even blushed (he is red, so it is easy to see), but nothing. And then he left work altogether. I found about that on his Twitter, wrote to him a thankful letter to which received a very kind reply saying that he enjoyed our talks and correspondence and adding, “My crazy life is still crazy.” After that I forwarded him some fun stuff with no text from me, he would always reply. A couple of times, he would even ask something pertaining to those fun forward links from me. But nothing developed into meaningful discussions like before.

Maybe that’s for the better, since I remember that in 2016, I thought that he had got to know each other so well and the spark is obviously there, so come on, stop procrastinating, let’s start dating (after divorce, of course – his wife asked him out of their house and he had been renting an apartment for several months).

After reading Tiny Buddha and following similar situations with either divorcing or recently divorced men (this one is not even divorcing yet – presumably waiting for his younger daughter to whom he is very attached to graduate (in three years; son graduating this year)), I know that he has a lot of issues to address within himself, find out himself before he is good dating material. Even if he divorced and we got together, I doubt that it would last. And when he divorces (I don’t see how they can stay together given what I know and feel), he may very well seek that other woman whom he still can’t forget, he may reach out to me – again! – like he did two times already or – like my #3 – he could meet somebody new, fall in love and divorce his wife for that new lady. No guarantee that it would last either.

I remember how I was thrown aback when we met in November 2015 after that renewed correspondence lasting for one month. I thought it was some kind of a date, and he goes – straight away, upon seeing me – “I don’t want to marry, I just want to pass a nice evening” (which we did, staying up cuddling and talking until 2:30 in the morning, didn’t even kiss). Or, on that very day, he told me that he would never marry his wife again (like Elizabeth Taylor did), and then, after two or three months tried to get back with her, however involuntarily that might have been.

So whatever is happening is the best it can happen because this is what is happening, but I can’t help but wonder what makes me hold so much to him when other crushes of mine were forgotten after three or four months at most and not necessarily through meeting other guys? Also, I did have some meaningful conversations and hugs (in case the reason lies in our cuddling) with a few other men whom I could call just as charismatic (or with whom I could see myself in that family photo) as him since, but I don’t think about them, but I do think about him.

As for this “family photo”, I once told a male friend about this criterion of mine (for physical compatibility, likeness or readiness to have sex, if you will), and he said it was the same for him.

For instance, I didn’t have it with one other man who tried to court me after this crush ghosted on me last year, and I don’t have it with the guy who is probably thinking that he has a good chance with me now and is behaving slowly, like a true gentleman, asking me only when he will see me again at the shooting range for now.

So it is all a bit mess, any insights are highly appreciated! I really think it is time I got to the bottom of this, especially now when I feel just right, whole and complete on my own and stopped imagining that I am sharing my experiences either with an imaginary partner or an ex of mine.

Thank you so very much!

X

P.S. Forgot to add that my father always believed that his elder daughter (my sister) had been spoilt by her mother (my father’s first wife left him for another man when my sister was 6 or 7), so he tried to do all he could for me not to grow up into a spoilt princess. I was literally afraid of him when a kid. I remember how I shook my head when my grandmother, his mother, told me how much he loved me. Now, as an adult, I can see that my father had always been there for me, ready to catch me if I fell, but he did let me try everything for myself and fall down on my own. I guess I didn’t see it when a child. Not sure how this can explain why I am attracted by the men I am attracted to. On the one hand, I can see how two crushes (#2 and one more) fully fit the image of an ideal father that I thought I wanted to have instead of mine, but never did. And that fear may easily translate into the need to admire my partner in order to be able to love him. Which is not such a bad thing in itself, is it? Even if this is the reason (I don’t know), what can I do about it? Wait till I meet a man whom I admire, but who is not hot and cold (as all of my partners were)?