Hi Anita, I am finding it difficult to write answers easily..what i think seems to change all the time. I feel i dont know what i think and then its clear. And it is still very much a rocky road.. i wonder when it will ever end for me, things have been so difficult lately. I have a work situation where i have done my best, i got results from my end but it feels like it will fall through. This happened to me before in a spectacular way..so im scared…its almost like the stars just dont want to let me have any success in life.

Yes my mom was a jealous person and wanted to be in control of everyone. I dont think they said we were luckier, it was implied of course. My parents bought things for us in a seemingly generous way but there were conditions..those things never felt like mine but i suffered guilt of being so lucky as others thought i was. My sister got out and away as often as possible and would have big fights with my mom if not, she now lives at a very safe distance and left me with the hard work! If there are issues she shuts down and disappears, i have always been opposite and faced things head on, needing answers but to my own detriment. I remember very well, as a young teenager sitting for hours talking with my mom about her problems,  how she hated where she was etc.and me trying to council her as though i could do it. It was so draining, she is very judgemental and negative.

In any case now im older i see some unpleasantness about how she would interact. She supposedly wanted us to do well but when we did we were torn down, there must be a problem somewhere. She would act jealously. I see now, how messed up that is..

I generally feel let down by both my ex and my mom, as i see them as similar people who act selfishly. Their own behaviour ends up hurting themselves…they dont see that at all, they have no vision of the bigger picture and how it will affect people. its almost like they are compelled to make the mean comment, do the mean thing..but they do regret it later.

Last night i was thinking of how confidently his new gf said i was too young for him. I was watching a film called 20th Century Women which contradicts the premise of age.with a familiar line, “age is a bourgeois construct”.  There may have been 11 years between me and my ex but he was the younger one in the most sense. To say i was too young for him is to be blind and determined to change him. He is really in every way, a young man…except in looks. I remember him getting his skateboard and going down the road a couple of years ago..he only realised he shouldnt do it because he fell off. He surfs and hangs out with younger guys..this is also his life spirit and what makes him happy. I cant believe that he would now want the opposite. he told me many times that he didnt like women his own age because of their mindset.

if we were constrained by our concept of age then nothing amazing would happen. And France would probably not have a new president.