Hi Anita,

The issue of age for me is very relevant because it seems to be used often to make snap judgement of my ability and relevance. Just yesterday someone guessed me to be 10years younger..again! a broken record that i cant do anything about. It will come up again..and it certainly seems to have been used to rationalise the break up with my ex, seemingly his gf cemented that view in his head. It bothers me a lot.

I suppose i did, like any kid look for approval from my mother…and was always found not quite there, lacking. A bit like looking up to the popular kids in school or wishing you were outgoing i just couldnt be accepted. Striving for approval from someone who will never ever be happy enough is painful. It was the same with my ex who also critical of the things i did, they both had to be the authority.

I guess i wished too much that i was “good enough” to meet the approval, to finally be the right person. But there is always something in my relationships, an earlier ex said i wasnt ready for settling down and getting married when i was really perfectly ready, again i guess he just didnt trust and believe in me..thereby killing the relationship dead, another was ready to commit but only if i made all the effort and had overbearing family who were too controlling of him and bullying so i couldnt face a future effectively with them. It seems i always fall short of being the right jigsaw piece.

With my ex’s family i got on well with his mother, his step dad and his son..i thought that was pretty good going, in fact i was really happy. He had a younger brother who was a bit skeptical of me but ok, he met his partner just about the same time as us and his girlfriend also didnt really want to know me at all and instead would just meet up with my ex when she was in the area but not with me, which i found a little cold. i remember dismissing it that she just couldnt be bothered to relate because she probably felt we had nothing in common.

I see how some women really work at cementing their position in a new relationship. To be taken seriously women have to show they can cook, be helpful, clean and take care of any kids…i guess i just fall short too much. Not having kids myself at my age makes me much more of the outsider.

i never knew that life could be so difficult, that i would be told no so many times. it leaves me self-critical, confused, unsure and disappointed. So finding peace of mind …is nearly impossible when those things that i know other people take for granted as basic..family, love and commitment just arent available to me.