Dear anita:

Funny thing, when I first meet a man, I normally get a fairly accurate overall feeling of the individual (and don’t care about the details at all), but then if I like him, if I would like our communication to continue (that is if I do get somewhat attached), then I start looking for signs (aka details) that he might be feeling the same. And so it goes…

Do I understand you correctly that if it had not been for that my parents vs me opposition, then I wouldn’t feel the necessity to see myself as an orphan even though a great majority of good literature (one may also add Victor Hugo or Jules Verne or, something simpler, Nancy Drew, for example) showcase a child or a teenager who goes on to explore the world, find his or her place in it and matures AFTER s/he has lost his or her parents? Even Duck Tales, my favorite Disney cartoon series, features lots of colorful adventures, but ones of the main participants are Hewey, Dewey and Louis – three ducklings growing up with their uncles, not parents.

My parents have told several times that they had such a horror imagining that I would behave like a cousin of mine (throwing tantrums, slamming doors if there was something not to his liking – and I, indeed, would pick up that behavior and start trying it out on my parents after a visit to my aunt and uncle’s), that that was the reason for their strictness in my upbringing. I have long suspected that my parents went a little bit overboard in their preventing me from becoming a spoilt brat.

Indeed, there seems to be such a fine line between not raising up a spoilt kid and a kid who strives for attention.

Also, my mother would hate to read books to me, so my parents found a way out – teach me to read. Besides, the country I lived in was undergoing serious changes at the time, so my parents had to work and earn money (there was one winter when, as my mother says, we survived thanks to the harvest we had on our plot of land in the country – when a monthly salary would only buy 4 pounds of meat or similar). That is why my grandparents, especially my maternal grandmother would be significantly involved in babysitting me. I think I was fine being on my own and being able to entertain myself 100% of time starting at the age of 6.

There also seems to be a fine line between upholding one’s high standards regarding men, but, at the same time, not giving anybody the slightest chance or waiting for an “ideal partner”, if you see what I mean.

It may sound strange, but I do slightly feel like a dog on leash even now when I have been living an ocean away from my parents for over ten years now. My mother needs to know that I am alright. She is okay with not having details about what exactly I am doing, but she would love seeing a note from me (even though it is just “I am all right, nothing to report”) every single day. Especially now, with all this technology readily available and not costing anything. I am trying to make it every three or four days, but it is hard – on the one hand, I hate this routine of writing something and hitting the “Send” button EVERY DAY (well, almost every day – I purposefully skip some days, so that she doesn’t get used to it being EVERY DAY), on the other – I know that she is a worrier and appreciates these messages…

Do you believe that if I fix my head, I will start feeling attraction for available men? My main problem with men, now, as I see it, is that for unknown reason, at some physical level, the only men (mostly) that I like, are the ones that have partners. Even before I see the ring on their finger, before I learn that they have partners, they would be the ones I will notice. It is not that the sequence is “he is unavailable, that is why I like him”, it is like “I like him; wait – what? He is unavailable, too???”

And finally, why do you think that guy is still on my mind? I can name at least four like him – unavailable, charismatic, with whom I have had meaningful interaction (that is, with whom there is what to talk about) and with whom I have hugged (in case the physical closeness, the hormones, played their part – and yes, my family are not big huggers, so I may be longing for that physical feeling of holding somebody and being held by somebody), but he is the only one whom I can’t let go. Or is it because I know about his marital troubles and that his marriage is beyond repair and that is why my subconscious mind hopes that he will choose me again and for sure this time? What do you think?

Thanks a lot – this is all really, really helpful!!!

X