Dear Danielle:

I am glad you had a good time in Mexico. I thought about you only yesterday.

I went back to the beginning of this thread in effort to answer your questions: “Do you think it’s something deeper? Do you think I really just want to be alone?”

Our emotional experiences as children are extremely powerful in determining our emotional experiences as adults. After all, our brains are formed with these experiences in them… and we never shed our brains (like we do our skin) and grow a new brain.

I will suggest a possibility of “something deeper”, for your consideration and evaluation, let me know:

Your experience living with your mother was very distressing, causing you much suffering: her intense anxiety, thinking the worst of everything, interrogating you on and on and on. This is a very powerful, painful long term experience of a close relationship (living with someone) during your Formative Years.

Being with your boyfriend, as in the trip to Mexico, was wonderful. Unlike your mother, time with him is pleasurable. But back from the trip,  and alone for two days, the emotional memory of living with your mother is back, and you are panicking, yet again, about the possibility of ending up living with him for good, as in being married; being stuck with him, like you were stuck with your mother, greatly suffering.

Panicking about being stuck suffering, you do wish to be alone (a Yes to your second question)

What may happen is that the recent memory of being together with your boyfriend in Mexico, was most recently replaced (again)  by the long term memory of being together with your mother.

anita