Hi anita, .Im just so tired of myself.

I once again texted my ex today. I cant stop so now im not going to fight anymore although i know its wrong..it hurts, i have to tell him, even if he finds it annoying that i bombard him with texts, he did this to me, thats life. His way of dealing with things is shutting down, cutting off…looking elsewhere for comfort. Pretending it all didnt happen but then i know he sits sometimes thinking it over on his own. There is no communication with him like this and therefore nothing moves forward. And yet…i cant shake that i love him. i just cant. I hate it.

My friends who i have told have expressed some concern that his gf has said to me that she is a witch.  One asked me if she threatened me but it was more like childish bravado. I thought how strange it was she was saying i was too young,. and there she was bragging that she was a witch! They think that she can do some voodoo thing to harm me. Ive never believed in that, .. I think men are led by very few things…sex, comfort, the easy lay, excitement..thats about it. If thats voodoo then it wears off in 6 months when the mundane life starts to bite.  But i did notice a creepy profile that showed up on a dating site i was trying to throw myself on..i have left it now because i dont like the idea of people watching me, it was clearly a fake profile..based in the same location as my ex. with no picture. but i know it could be anybody who vaguely knows us..the internet is a horrible place sometimes.

i have been made unhappy by reading starsigns..some part of it helps me, encouraging to move forward, then when im weak i read his and a few said: seriously considering finally getting married and settling down and its going to be permanent. There is nothing that terrifies me more. I just cant believe that all the worst things are happening..coming true.

I honestly believe now that this woman made damn sure she moved in as quick as possible to get a handle on him..so he wouldnt come back to me so easily. I am about 100% sure he would have been talking about our problems, her counselling him and saying it was for the best that we broke up, that i was too young for him. She put a wedge between us to secure her position, even leaving her child behind with her ex so she could pursue him.

No, there is nothing else i can do. I am trapped in this situation. Waiting to sell my apartment, but its not happening, trying to arrange appointments that wont work, do sports i cant do or things i cant afford. Everything else in my life is constricted and just not moving forward and i cant help but feel..this is because i am holding it all in..im waiting… Im really trapped.

I am learning now..its moments, maybe hours and days spent in the agony of my mind..then there is exhaustion and i have a day of just numb bliss..where i even feel happy enough that i will get through..then it hits again harder. Its like standing in surf. And i just want it to destroy me, i have no resistance to cruel words…i feel i have a heart that doesnt know how to be closed at all…the arrows fly and i just stand there. I have no idea how to protect myself, it doesnt come naturally. Maybe i will just fall eventually and that will be it. But other times i feel i am stronger than ever because of it. My starsign the phoenix rising from the ashes…you have to see that it does ring true sometimes..