Hi, PearceHawk!

Wow – thank you for your comment! However, I am a bit at a loss as to which my “original post” made such a lasting impression on you. Was it the first one in this thread or the very first one, the one I wrote to laelithia in Getting over infatuation with someone who wasn’t real?

Anyway, your excerpt is excellent! It proves at least two ideas that I came across several years ago. I was really surprised by them, but then, the more I thought about them, the more I found them to be true. Slowly but surely, they “sank in.”

Yes, our minds love to have a system, certain structure on which everything else can go. That is why we stereotype incessantly. It just helps our brains to process reality. Accordingly, we stereotype people – and find ourselves wrong (sometimes). Because of this tendency to stereotype, we also tend to look for “signs” where there is a mere coincidence. Do you know that funny premise in physics called entropy? Entropy is basically chaos, absence of whatever system or connection one may think of. Scientists don’t understand fully why it is so, but it seems that entropy is increasing and that entropy, that is chaos, not order, is the basic characteristics of the Universe. So I am very inclined to view everything – including relationships (or, rather, meetings) as a result of pure chance.

Now, why we BECOME attached to certain people and not to others – that is a result of – yes! – our previous experiences, neuron connections in the brain and whatnot. “Love is in the eye of the beholder” – nothing could be closer to the truth. We love others not because of who they are (good or bad, etc. – one can’t FORCE love upon anybody, one can’t MAKE somebody love somebody), we love others because of who WE are, what problems, complexes, etc. WE have.

I tend to fall for unavailable men. What does it tell about me? Where this is coming from? I started unwrapping it all with anita’s help. Some sources also tell me that this is so because I am unavailable myself – like attracts like. So I am working on not being afraid to show my true self, to voice clearly what I like and what I don’t like without thinking what others will think or say about me.

But then here I come to the following question: if we are totally self-sufficient and complete, does that mean that that person will not fall in love? I don’t know. Maybe there is no such person or maybe the idea of 1+1=2 (which is much better than 0.5+0.5=1 – that stupid myth of two “halves” searching for each other) needs to sink further into my psyche.

Or maybe it is a pure maths thing. In the age groups that is of interest to me (35-55), the majority of men are already married but not yet divorced (if what they say is correct and at least 50% of marriages end in divorce).

By the way, do you know what the other numbers consist of? 50% of marriages will end in divorce, 35% will keep bickering and/or living apart but will still be married and ONLY 15% of ALL MARRIAGES are truly healthy and happy unions. Now, that is something to think about.

Interestingly enough, I think I could even list all the unattractive features that my #3 and I had in common. It was as if his features were a projection of mine, but went further, were more pronounced. Still, I do struggle with why I would do anything, examine myself till I get a headache to find out what is going on with me and he would not? Why I would hold on for dear life and he can let go just like that? Again, I read somewhere that this might be so because deep down, I would like (or feel I need) to be more like that – that is my deeply buried desires pull me towards men who are like this, albeit a tad too more than necessary…

I cannot yet resolve yet another question for myself. Why do I fall for unavailable men even BEFORE I know that they are unavailable??? It may be something that my subconsciousness sees, but what the brain doesn’t see yet. I wonder what it is…

In addition to us seeing what we want to see (or are able to based on our experiences), people are multifaceted. Like Shakespeare said, we all play roles. We may behave one way with somebody when we have power over them and totally differently when we are the ones who are dependent on another person. Besides, when we are in love, we are not our true selves, we want to be better, are eager to do anything to please the person we are in love with. So one only deceives oneself when one says that one “knows” him or her. Besides, can we really, truly, say that we know ourselves???

One more idea to think about. Since no two people are alike given their DNA, even clones would be different because experiences in life shape us, too. So when we say to somebody, “I understand how you are feeling,” this is a false statement. We are all endlessly, forever, bound to be alone, to be confined to our own heads and emotions.

I mentioned fear above. Somebody said that everything stemmed from fear. Fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of the opinion of others, fear of death, fear of the unknown… I am not sure if we can totally overcome fears – that would bring me again to the paragraph about self-sufficiency and completeness.

All in all, if regular doctors sometimes have divergent opinions, this may be even more true of psychologists. Too many theories, too many views, books and specialists, and I don’t have enough expertise to know whom to follow. Besides, I encountered several contradictory thoughts even in those books that I have read and deemed excellent and trustworthy. They say that the teacher comes when the student is ready, maybe I need to find a competent expert whom I will trust and go from there…

Thank you, too!

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