Anita,

Thank you once again for always taking time out of your day to help me.

I absolutely didn’t think that yesterday was going to trigger me because we have gone to lunch before spent the day together etc, but you are absolutely right. Its the fact that I am lying about what I was actually doing with my step dad, which was my worst nightmare as a child. So I feel calm knowing yes I am experiencing anxiety, yes I know why, and yes it is understandable. So I just have to let that pass and act as normal as I can to let myself know that I am not going to let this trigger me and put me down for weeks. What happens is since all my old emotions came flooding in last night, they started flooding in about everything I have ever been anxious about in my lifetime.

And I remember the day I found out what I was doing was wrong, it was the worst 2 months of my life after that. I was so young and my OCD was SO strong and I remember thinking omg God wants me to die for doing that I should turn myself into the police, I avoided anything remotely sexual for a VERY long time, didn’t even want to talk to boys not even a simple kiss because I felt that I did not deserve to show any love in that way. It was a nightmare. So whenever I think about that incident when I was 14, it was the worst mistake of my life and the hardest thing I have ever had to go through personally because it wasn’t a thought it was FACT. Its crazy how when you’re a kid you really don’t know what you’re doing and grown ups were always right when they said you didn’t. That was the hardest lesson of my entire life and I think I am going to punish myself over it forever because as much as I say its common I am not the only one, that wasn’t me, that was young immature naive unknowing me, its still so hurtful that I would ever do something unmoral in my own eyes.

I completely agree that it is so uncomfortable, I would think you’re crazy if you said it was fine and comfortable because it is not! As many times as my OCD tries to convince me “omg you must like animals” “omg you’re a crazy person” “omg you should be in jail” I try to tell myself constantly that if I was any of those things, I wouldn’t have cared, I wouldn’t have panicked for months, I wouldn’t feel so guilty and horrible, I wouldn’t have stopped because it was what I wanted. BUT IT WAS NOT. Ever since that day I have never never never again or even been close to it, NOTHING. I don’t even like my dog sleeping under the covers because I am traumatized and think what if she does it herself. I want to make sure nothing like that even happens by MISTAKE. I know its not who I am and I shouldn’t let a decision made 7 years ago as a child effect me because its not who I am, it never was, its like you said sexual desires by all kids are so strong because its when we are becoming aware, and that is just part of being a human and I couldn’t control it. Another thing is as kids you know were always taught never touch anyone and never let anyone touch you, but no one ever teaches us that was wrong I just thought it was weird and unheard of, so I went in innocent minded and thats the only reason I let it happen, I try to remind myself about that too when reading the other posts in the other thread involving actual children siblings etc, I was never TAUGHT that specifically what I did was wrong obviously so I have to also tell myself that, I am not a bad person, I just didn’t know it was bad at the time because I was naive and innocent minded like all children.