Tannhauser,

It seems that you are taking this too seriously.

You really need to take a break from all the things that are raising anxiety.

You probably have been contemplating too much on the buddhist concept of “no-thingness” or “no-mindness” which is not healthy. Personally I think that the whole concept is somewhat misunderstood (lost in translation). And buddhism could be understood as a branch of Hinduism or something like that.

Ego cannot be removed, the practical way is to soften it with compassion for oneself and others.

Spending too much with yourself in your mindspace and with lifeless things is taking its toll.

And playing such type of music and instrument that requires “perfection” adds to it.

In a word, perfectionism is the problem you are suffering from.

Go outdoors, meet people, do playful things, interact with LIVING beings. Do little helpful things to others. It will refresh your perspectives on life. You are a human after all, aren’t you?

Personally I think that Catholicism has very poisonous belief-system construct of all christianity, all that guilt, guilt, guilt.

I have a short background with Evangelical Lutheran church, they have a little more flexible way of doing things. But I have not been a member of any church for many years. All major churches are still doing good work for people but I prefer to support humanitary work without organized religions. They tend to add their own agenda on things and that is really not necessary.

While people as spiritual beings are evolving the churches with their old dogmas are lacking heavily behind.

Now is the time for people to really open their hearts and start doing things in practical ways. In ways that are really working and binding us together. We all are pieces of one common life. Separate beings but heavily dependant on each other.

You should consider meeting some therapist who has a history of handling people with religious backgrounds.

Or if you still like to try with some Catholic priest who has a more practical and wider view on handling spiritual issues it might be easier to you. Depends on how bad your “allergy” with Catholics are.

I wish you find your inner clarity. Hope you do not get any pimples or spots when I say this but God really works through people. He/She works through you and if your light gets dim then go and borrow from someone else. The light will not be diminished from that.