Dear Eliana:

You wrote: “as soon, as I am with another person, I lash out and hurt them verbally or in e-mail”- for as long as you are not in control of your abusive behavior toward others, you should not engage in the kinds of relationships where your abusive behavior takes place. If within the context of “Dating, relationships” (in the title of your thread), you become abusive and can’t help it (so far), then avoid dating and relationships.

Since you attend 12 step meetings, all taken after the concepts of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), I will compare your urge to abuse another to the urge of the alcoholic to drink. It makes sense for the alcoholic should avoid bars and for you to avoid relationships, for as long as you can’t control abusing another.

I had Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). “Distress tolerance” means the individual’s capacity to withstand, or endure negative emotions and physical discomfort without reacting to those in ineffective, negative ways. Back to my quote from your last post: “as soon, as I am with another person, I lash out and hurt them”- this means that when you are with another person, you experience negative emotions. Your capacity to withstand, or endure those emotions is low. You become overwhelmed by them and react by behaving in an ineffective, negative way: ineffective because you are lonely and negative because it abuses another person.

Wikipedia, in its entry on “Distress tolerance” states that distress tolerance “contribute(s) to the development and maintenance of several types of mental disorders, including mood and anxiety disorders such as major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, substance use and addiction, and personality disorders.”

It also states:  “Borderline Personality Disorder is posited to be maintained through a chronic unwillingness to engage in or tolerate emotionally distressful states”- this means that until you are willing to withstand/endure/tolerate emotionally stressful internal states, you will continue to react to them by abusing another. The abusing of another relieves your distress. It is the quickest way and that is the payoff in it.

In other words, to not abuse another, a person needs to be willing to suffer without inflicting suffering on another person.

Radical Acceptance means to let go of fighting reality and instead, accept your situation for what it is. It is the part of the Serenity Prayer that says: “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change”- cannot change and shouldn’t try, therefore. Instead, accept.

Mindfulness Within DBT it is the capacity to pay attention, nonjudgmentally, to the present moment; it is about bringing one’s attention to the internal and external experiences occurring in the present moment. Mindfulness makes increasing Distress Tolerance possible (as well as Radical Acceptance).

Having read Mark’s reply, when he thinks of a thought as “just a blip of words. It has no meaning except the meaning you give it”- he is practicing Mindfulness and Distress Tolerance. By paying attention to a thought and to the meaning he used to/ could give it, and then separating the emotional meaning of a thought from the thought itself (the “non-judgment part), he is capable of reducing his distress.

I hope this helps.

Dear Mark:

I was intrigued by your sentence: “One of my biggest fears is my own issues making someone who I love life worse. So I don’t let myself to connect to many people.” If you would like to elaborate on it, please do.

anita