Dear Phoenix11:

One issue at a time, then:

1) What is better for your daughter, would be the question: living with her father, or not). But it is not only about whether he is currently an attentive father. It is also about his affect on you. It is not for the better interest of a child to have an anxious, traumatized mother (your sharing in #3).

2) As you  know, you can’t go back to the past and re-live it in a different way. What is possible for you is to live the rest of your twenties, thirties and on, not terrified.

3) Fear is not a fertile ground for love. It is not a fertile ground for honest communication, for hopes and plans. Even if he did change, it may not be possible to reverse the harm caused by his threats of the past: to harm your daughter, you, himself and other people involved. If he changed, he may still have to suffer the consequences of his words. Some things said cannot be unsaid.

His threats to harm your infant daughter: it may very well be impossible for any caring mother to live with, other than in fear, being held hostage by the threat, no matter how much time passes since the threats.

If it wasn’t for the fear-factor, a factor that he single handedly established by his severe threats, I would have suggested couple therapy. But fear is not a fertile ground for honest communication in therapy as well, because when you are in session, maybe safe there (maybe), you know you will soon be alone with him.

What I would do, if I was you, is to contact professionals in law enforcement/ criminal psychologists associated with law enforcement and get information and input on what to do/ how to end a relationship with a man who threatened what he threatened to do.

4) Of course cheating is a problem in a relationship, no doubt. Problem is.. there is a much bigger problem: fear of mayhem and death instilled in you by his threats. If you stopped cheating, you will still have the fear-factor going on.

5) With better sex life with him, you may enjoy moments of intense physical sensations, but following those moments, again… you are left with the fear-factor.

You can post again (and again) regarding any and all the issues above. I will soon take a break and be back either in seven hours or so or tomorrow morning, in about 18 hours.

anita