Hi Anita,

Thank you again for your support and understanding. I had recorded one of our phone conversations (just so I could remind myself rather than keep asking him the same questions), and he said this:
“It’s not like a fault or anything of yours. You are a good catch, really established, educated woman, you’re very attractive, you’re almost 30, you’re in your prime, got your life together, everything’s good. I just, don’t think it’s for me, you know? It’s for somebody else.” When I asked him how he knew that, how he was sure, he said “the few times we hung out it was like I don’t know, it was great don’t get me wrong, but that’s the time you get to gauge someone, feel them out, and to be honest, I just didn’t feel it. It’s not anything specific or against you, Lauren”. When I asked him if he knew this when he was making all those promises to me, he said “No, I was just in like, love land. I didn’t realize- I’m sorry, I apologize, I shouldn’t have played you so hard like that. I just… I don’t know. I guess I just wanted a sure thing. But I didn’t realize I was trying so hard. It’s totally my fault, I’m sorry.”

Even though he said it’s nothing against me, I of course begin to doubt myself and how I acted after our last visit. The first 2 visits seemed to go well and he seemed still very interested in me, it was only after the last visit when I went to see him that he changed towards me.

I’m not sure why, after all this time, and while he is clearly over it, that I am not? Why I can’t seem to let it go, or move past it. I know no matter what it can never go back to the way it was, and yet I long for that. I know that even if he ever were to change his mind again and want to be with me, it would never be the same and I could never trust him. Yet my mind is stuck reliving the good moments of the past, and I am angry that it didn’t continue that way.

I’m having such a hard time understanding that nothing I did or didn’t do could have kept this outcome from happening. Instead I keep replaying our times together, and wondering what would have happened if I behaved better? What if I paid more attention to my appearance? What if I played it cool and aloof rather than matching his eagerness and attention like many of the dating articles out there suggest?

These questions seem to haunt me, and are destroying my current happiness….

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by laelithia.