Hi Anita,

I think a large part of the reason I can’t let go, is that we still talk. I thought it would help me come to terms with the way things are now, rather than they were before, but I don’t think it is helping. He’s told me now that he is no longer even trying to date women, just “sleeping with them”. He openly admits that he has issues he needs to work through, but that he doesn’t seem ready to stop what he’s doing to figure it out.

In my dreams, I fantasize about a reality where we continued being infatuated/in love (whatever it was) with each other, that somehow he or I moved so that we could be together, that we began living a life together. We were involved in each other’s lives, we were close to each other’s friends and family, we became a team. He never stopped looking at me the way he used to, he continued to love to make me happy. None of the bad ever happened, and we are happy together.

I’m beginning to realize that I’ll never really know or understand why that dream will never happen, yet my mind longs to understand, almost as if I did, then it would all make sense and the pain will go away. But I know it’s not true.

All my life I have longed for a love I did not feel I received, and this was by far the closest I’ve ever gotten. Which in itself is sad, and honestly quite pathetic. I’ve even tried to acknowledge this with my parents, especially my mother who’s love I’ve felt has never come naturally, but it doesn’t seem to help. Instead, I have a hole, a deep longing that never seems to go away. I feel I must be an easy target for men like him, who come on strongly for whatever reason, and am even more empty when they leave.

He knew about my past heartbreaks. He promised never to “mislead my heart”, and yet he seemed to have done just that. I know of his pattern now with women, but it’s still so hard for me to believe that what we had was not special, that it’s par for the course for him. But it was special to me. Embarrassingly so. I don’t think many women would be as distraught as I have been from such a short romance. Yet I find myself absolutely crushed, that for the very first time in my 28 years of life, I finally felt satiated, that I had the love I always wanted, and just as quick as it came, it was gone.

One thing I found quite sad was that when I think of him, when I miss him, more than his physical presence, it’s the “virtual” him I miss. I miss the constant attention, validation, and hope for when I would get to see him again. It’s the dream I miss, rather than the reality of that dream. That is a scary thought, but really, in this moment, right now, I miss the excitement, the thrill of wondering when I’d see my “dream guy” again, I miss him texting me what I was up to, I miss seeing his face on my screen.

That is sad, isn’t it?