Dear Lauren:

You are referring to a man from an arranged-marriage culture, perhaps a man from India. You wrote above: “Why couldn’t he tell them about me?”- because his parents disapprove of you and in his culture that means everything.

They disapprove of you because you are not Indian (and if you were Indian, but of a different caste, they would disapprove of you just as intensely). They don’t know you and it doesn’t matter, who you are. All that matters is that you are of the wrong nationality/ caste.

In his culture, what his parents think is what society thinks, and that is extremely powerful on the individual. He was raised and trained to believe that he has to conform to what his parents/society thinks. Who he marries is something to be determined or approved of by his parents/ society and cannot happen otherwise.

Because of this core belief, many Indian men and women marry and cheat on their spouses, living double lives, satisfying parents/ society on one hand and going after their heart’s desires on the other.

Really, it is not personal. It is not you who is rejected and kept as a secret, it is your nationality/ caste that is rejected and kept a secret. Not that you should accept and tolerate such rejection.

What has taken place in your life in the last 15 months is business-as-usual, I believe, in the Indian/ arranged-marriage culture. Whatever feelings he has for you, the chance that they will overpower his training from early childhood is extremely small.

Does my input means something to you?

anita