Dear Sophie:

I read part of the blog you posted. It is about the Attachment Theory. The theory states (and I am aware of it as being so), that children are born with an innate drive, a pre-programming, to form an attachment to caregivers. There are three fundamental types of attachment children form: Secure, Avoidant and Anxious. The type of attachment a child forms to a caregiver determines the attachment formed in adulthood in romantic relationships.

In your case, you identify yourself with the Anxiously Attached. And so, as the blog states, you expect your partner to soothe you like a parent should, to make you feel better every time you feel distress, and when he fails to do so, you get angry/ blame him when all along he can’t and it isn’t your job to parent you.

Problem is, you wrote above: “I don’t know if its me or him”- meaning, you understand that you would blame a man even if a man loved you, because of your Anxious Attachment, but… not all men are loving. What if your complaints are true.. is it you or him?

I am thinking that when you are in a relationship with him you are Anxiously Attached and that is often distressing. When you travel, you are Avoidantly Attached- and you feel strong and independent (the payoff for being avoidant).

My suggestions: be aware of your motivations. You are motivated to feel strong and independent, like you felt much of the time traveling. You are not motivated to experience anxiety, as you do too often in a relationship. You are also motivated to be in a relationship, and to receive the soothing and comfort you did not receive as a child.

You are motivated to be in a loving relationship and you are motivated to NOT be in a loving relationship.

Back to the is-it-me-or-him point and motivation: you are motivated, as you suggested, to find evidence to why it-is-him, so to NOT be in a loving relationship, so to Avoid Attachment.

Would like to read more from you, thoughts and feelings, and will respond further, if you share.

anita