no offense, but it doesn’t seem like you’re very genuine in this relationship. your actions are incredibly dishonest, self-destructive, and more than likely contribute to your sense of worthlessness. i was cheated on and it restarted my self-mutilation, caused me to spend half my savings in therapy just to save my own life, and destroyed my worldview. you really don’t sound like you understand what you’re doing.

you want to own optionality that you don’t deserve, because it comes at a cost to this man you claim to love (you don’t) he doesn’t know he’s paying.

lose the house with the loyal man. it’s not that you don’t deserve loyalty, ever, it’s just that you probably don’t deserve HIS loyalty. i feel for you, honestly, as i have also been in your position — and i haven’t stopped hating myself, but i sure would hate myself more if i kept him around just to hurt him more.