Dear Scott:

You asked: “In terms of behavior, what can I change that will lead to different thinking and therefore feelings?” My answer: limit checking your phone to once an hour, or once every two hours (you decide on how often) and then stick to your decision. No matter how strong the drive to check, tolerate the intensity of the drive to check and resist it. The more success you have resisting it, the weaker the drive will be, over time and the weaker the anxiety will be.

Feeling anxious and then checking for activity is reinforcing the activity and keeps the anxiety going. By changing the behavior, you change the feeling, over time (takes persistence and being okay with progress being made imperfectly).

Regarding putting her on a pedestal some times and focusing on her negative attributes at other times, the way I understand it is that the aim of putting her on a pedestal is to feel safe in the relationship, as in pretending the person you are emotionally attached to is a great, strong, reliable person to be attached to. When you focus on her negative attributes, the aim is to prepare yourself for “the fall”- for when you will be disappointed. It is a dance of anxiety: trying to feel safe by either holding on to a perfect image of the other or preparing for danger.

Healing/ managing anxiety is the key in your relationship and life in general. It is a doable project, although not easy. But doable. And you are already managing. There is just.. more work to be done, more tools to be used, more skills to practice, patiently.

anita