Dear LoghanJ:

I am and was not in a similar situation, but I was in many conflicting situations and you are definitely conflicted. I hope you will soon resolve your distressing conflict and have peace of mind.

If you would still like my input although I am not in your specific situation, here it is (+ questions):

You wrote: “I need to keep people under the impression that I know what I’m doing (otherwise why was the whole drama about?!)”

What is in parenthesis should be out of the parenthesis, I think: what was all the drama about? If that love  was about a strong, intense, enduring love, leading to a court marriage, keeping it a secret while both of you living separately, having an abortion so to continue to keep the marriage a secret, then finally winning his family’s approval, finally living together, finally planning a family, how can it be that you have been (or still are) cheating on the man, still inclined to be physically and romantically with another man?

You wrote that you “need to keep people under the impression” that you know what you are doing. But you don’t know what you are doing. Having a family with your husband while you don’t know what you are doing is not a good idea, neither is living the rest of your life for the impression of other people.

And so, I ask: did you stop loving your husband sometime along the way and are you afraid that he will harm himself if you end the relationship/ marriage? What other fears do you have about ending the marriage?

anita