Dear Joe:

You wrote: “I do have a strong inclination to perceive things in extreme black and white terms.”- this is the right/ effective way to perceive things for the purpose of protecting oneself from danger. If an animal in the wild, a person in an aggressive environment, ponders the possibilities of the colors in between the white (All) or black (None) of a situation, the animal will  likely end up dead. See a predator? Better run away and quickly! See an intruder? Better fight, and quickly!

It is when we are in a safe situation, not under attack or under the likelihood of an attack, that we can entertain the colors and be wiser for it.

You wrote about the ex co-worker: “While I strongly disagree with his views because I found that comment really insulting and blatantly sexist, he is still entitled to that opinion”- he is entitled to all his thoughts and feelings. He is not entitled to express them anytime and any way he wishes! Not when it is hurtful to another to do so, no benefit, only harm (as was the case with you).

You wrote regarding the other ex co workers: “I just kept thinking ‘What if they just told me the whole thing was off and then just decided to sneak and go out without me because they really don’t like me?’”- notice how no matter how we may dislike others, their values, likes, dislikes, we still need to be liked. It is ingrained in us, as human animals, the need t be liked. By anyone, anywhere. I accept this about myself and am attentive so to not compromise my authenticity, honesty.. my worth in my own mind, so to be liked.

You wrote: “I’m strongly inclined to stick up for myself… Unlearning a lot of what I was taught about ‘just ignoring it’, being polite to everybody and putting myself last. Some people you just can’t win with logic or politeness…  you have to be brutally honest with them and tell them to back off.”-

It pleases me so much to read this, thank you for sharing this last paragraph- it is making my day!

anita