Reposting this as I’m not sure it’s showing up :/

Anita,

Yes that makes a lot of sense that the solution won’t be found in a conversation with her! This is in line with the book I’ve been reading too…that it will take a relationship (even with a therapist as you said) that’s consistently supportive to strengthen those connections in my brain.

It’s hard to recall these conversations with other men to be honest. It’s more of a feeling that I got that things went downhill after opening up and becoming vulnerable. I remember telling one guy for the first time that I loved him and his response was to kind of laugh and tell me that I didn’t really. And before I told him I felt pretty sure that he felt the same and would’ve reciprocated. But after I told him that, I understandably felt like I had given something up and probably became more insecure because of that. I have just always wanted to know where a relationship is going (lock it down!) rather than just enjoy the ride and see where it leads. I’ve been told by more than one partner that I can’t “force it” and need to just let it develop naturally. I never really understood this until the last few months and having a (ex)partner who I felt like was trying to do this forcing and hammering out the future.  I also had a short relationship that ended after I expressed some insecurity and jealousy over his past relationships. Me wanting him to compare his feelings for exes with his feelings for me. This is behavior that I don’t do anymore as I’ve grown enough to realize it does nothing but feed my anxiety. Everyone is allowed their past loves, I know this.

I wonder if the relationships ended not because of the reaction of the guy to the “talk” but my own reaction. Like I didn’t get the reassurance I wanted so it sent me on a downward spiral of doubt and neediness and desperation. Even now I think I’m scared to talk to the man I’m currently seeing because I don’t know what his answers will be and I’m nervous how I will respond to this. If I don’t know, I can just assume that we’re on the same page, you know? But I feel like the more I do this in relationships, the further I get away from feeling a genuine connection with someone even though that’s what I want so badly!

Really appreciating your feedback Anita!