Well, I normally google the name of the thread and/or the name of the member (if I remember either one or both) adding words “tiny buddha”. Hope these links work for you:

https://tinybuddha.com/members/brav3/replies/

https://tinybuddha.com/members/brav3/topics/

As for your other question… You know, after all my extensive reading quality psychological books, Tiny Buddha blogs and forums and other forums on the internet (such as reddit and a few others that would come up in Google), I have identified a few pairs of actions/feelings/emotions/behaviours that seem to have a really very, very fine line between them. And I am still at a loss as to where this line lies. Maybe it is ultimately up to what one feels right in that particular situation, no “umbrella truth” covering all cases…

General antagonisms would be being stubborn vs being persistent and being a coward vs being careful. This is just to give an idea what pairs or antagonisms I mean.

As for relationships, I still have no answer to

a) how to tell if a man/woman is coming strong, when it is a good sign (“really into you”) and when it is a bad one (such “love”may burn out quickly or, worse yet, one may be dealing with a narcissist)?

Similarly, when one is taking time, does it mean that one wants to learn the other person better, not rushing things (good?) or maybe s/he is simply not interested?

b) when one behaves in an understanding way vs when one is simply being a doormat and is being used for that

c) on the one hand, they say it is good to have values and principles, but on the other, they say that the one whose ideas are “set in stone”, is plainly not flexible, not learning, thus it is not good

d) finally (about your feeling as a loser (and anybody else, for that matter, when being turned down in whatever form)): I am unable to resolve the following. If you look through blogs (I even went as far as leafing through ALL the blogs on the Tiny Buddha website front page reading all of them that dealt with breakups and relationships) or some members’ replies, all of them would recommend finding in oneself all that one feels one is looking in one’s partner. In other words, if you try to calmly assess what it was that you are missing in that relationship, you will identify aspects that you simply need to address on your own. For instance, I missed that feeling of security that my ex was giving me. As I looked further, I realised that anita was right in other people’s threads, and, given how my ex behaved in the end and how our love story ended, that feeling of security was only a feeling. A feeling that I had and that had nothing to do with him (because in reality, now that I look back, I don’t think I would have had support from him when I would have needed it).

I think that in my case reading all that I could find (including similar stories of breakups and healing on Tiny Buddha) and time cumulatively helped me to live more in the present moment (rather than hoping for that fabulous time when we finally would be together forever) and to see that there are a lot of people in my life who would be happy to help me if I asked me. It was no longer as is my ex was my only source of help and support in this world, but in fact, quite a lot of people could do the same with the same end result for me (help me if I have a problem).

Also d) leaves me with a further somewhat unresolved issue. Namely, it sounds as if one should be aiming to become whole and complete (you will read lots of stories about people filling their “holes” with the help of other people rather than turning to themselves, rebound relationships a great example). True. I think I have become much more whole and complete since my breakup two years ago. And, as those reads promised, I feel better and I do see that I attract a slightly different range of people and I notice something that I didn’t notice (or rather, didn’t WANT to notice and turned a blind eye to) in others, such as in my ex.

It is true that if one feels whole, complete (and hence content), this takes so much pressure of other people, AND they feel it. They feel that whatever you might be asking, it is up to them to decide whether they have it in them to give. And if they don’t give, it is TOTALLY okay, I won’t die.

But here I run into a dead end: if one is whole and complete, why on earth would one need somebody? I get it rationally: 1+1=2 (rather than 0.5+0.5=1 (all those “other halves”)), but not sure if I am getting it emotionally.

For now, it seems like in my personal case, if I feel the need to fill the gap with somebody, I meet people who are just as needy (even if they are hiding it) and who want to fill their gaps with me (which, obviously, doesn’t last long). And if I don’t really need somebody (the stage I have reached), nobody comes along because I am so whole and complete. Or is it because there are so few people who truly are whole and complete? And am I really that whole and compete as I want to believe I am now? I don’t really know.

A couple of well-grounded, no-nonsense male friends suggested that the time simply hadn’t come yet. Maybe.

Anyway, these are my thoughts. Hope you will derive something useful out of my ramblings, and I shall try to post that list by the end of tomorrow.

If you have any comments, please share.

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