Dear Scott:

Your understanding, as expressed in your first two paragraphs (ending with “in fear that she would stop loving me or would lead to more trouble.”- reads very accurate to me, amazingly accurate, clear thinking and evaluation on your part.

In your third paragraph you wrote that “in competition with my step father when he first came around”- to complete your accuracy, I state:  you were in competition with him since he first came around to this very day.

In your fourth paragraph, you bring about the issue of Control. You wrote that you are “seeking to gain control”. To gain is to get something you don’t have. A definition of control: “to direct the behavior of a person… to cause a person to do what you want”- I am thinking, in the situation with your mother, what you didn’t have is adequate attention from her. What happened next is you focused on the step father as the reason for the lack of attention you suffered from. He, you figured, was getting the attention that you lacked. He was the reason. And the context in which he was getting that attention was sex.

You wrote: “I’m prioritizing sex over intimacy”- the problem with your mother, I am thinking, was inadequate intimacy, attention. The connection in your brain was made at the time between this lack to sex.

So you tried to control the situation, at the time, by having your mother promise you that she will not have sex with him… change her behavior, that is. (And cause your girlfriend to change her behavior, as in clothes she wears). You are also trying to control the situation by being more sexually desirable (“being fit or attractive or making lots of money”).

This “pressure to impress or strive for something and I don’t know why”- I think you are striving for attention, emotional intimacy, to be loved and that you lacked it as a child.

This is all I have for now. Let me know what you think, maybe later, take your time, whenever you feel like it. Regarding solving this issue- we can discuss it after your response to this very post and after some more time, if required.

anita