Dear Scott:

You are welcome.

You wrote that part of you “wants for my girlfriend to give her all to me, whether past, future, or present”- I believe you want your girlfriend to… retroactively give you the love and attention that your mother did not give you. (Isn’t it fascinating…? )

You wrote: “my mind has created its own reality about how love and sex should be”- another fascinating thing, for me: it is not your mind that created its own reality, it only recorded the reality that was, indeed, reality.

Your intrusive thoughts, your anxiety, all that, these are all understandable in the context of your childhood. As a child, there really was competition for your mother’s attention and the competition won. In reality, your mother did not give you the attention that you needed, the attention any child needs. In reality, you were alone, distressed, kicking walls, crying for help, and unheard.

Fast forward, reality with your girlfriend is different: for one, she is not your mother. So, reality is she is not your mother. This means, that in the present, in relationship with your girlfriend, your mind is mot congruent with reality. But in the past, as a child, your mind was very congruent with reality.

It is only the projection of that past into the present relationship with your girlfriend that is incongruent with reality.

anita