Dear Scott:

It would be nice if you could not be “affected by subtle things such as short responses, responses with the unwanted enthusiasm/attitude, etc.”, and if you will not be “always looking for clues of denial, betrayal, non-responsiveness, negative emotions or anything that could mean I’m doing something ‘wrong’ so to speak.”-

This what you experienced as a child: “denial, betrayal, non-responsiveness, negative emotions…doing something wrong”,  that you keep experiencing or fear experiencing again.

You wrote: “I’m wanting intimacy and attention; I want their all”- “All”, to make up for the very little you received, as a child.

“it takes in depth thinking to separate out what’s a real problem and what is not; similar to my expectations of reality and how congruent I am/am not with reality.”- other people are incongruent with reality as well, in their own ways. That makes life very complicated and misunderstandings are very common, often leading to unsuccessful relationships.

You asked: “what would be some good ways to go about getting realigned with reality so that I can become congruent with the present and my current relationship….It is difficult for me to know how to respond to… my girlfriend when I feel threatened or I feel that she is being distant or ‘short’ with me… It’s really tough knowing where to draw the line between something being my fault and something being her fault…”

The basics are: no matter how you feel, and no matter how she feels, neither one is justified in, let’s say, calling each other names, and otherwise abusing the other.

Problem is when a person feels disrespected following possible subtle offenses, real or not, such as a lack of quick response to a text, or a response different from expected. How do you know if you were disrespected subtly, passive aggressively, and if otherwise, something is your fault or hers.

Again, to the basics: in almost every case, the two parties to a relationship contribute to problems.

Besides the basics I mentioned, there is no easy answer. I will explain:

I wrote to you yesterday: “As a child, you knew, you knew… You didn’t assume anything. As an adult you are assuming because you put away the clarity you had then so to survive your difficult childhood.”- you put away your clarity and now it is not available to you, not in the areas put away. To survive your neglectful childhood, you put away your awareness of how neglected you indeed were. You forgot kicking those walls, didn’t you?

You don’t see your mother as having been neglectful of you, do you? A child cannot afford to see his mother as neglectful, that is too unsafe to believe. So a child puts away reality and makes believe his mother loves him and that there is something wrong with him, not with her mothering.

Children automatically do so, for the purpose of feeling as safe as possible. As an adult, you pay the price of putting away reality by not being able to see it correctly in the present, in relationships like the one with your girlfriend.

I wish I had an easy answer, a solution, a way that is quick and not painful. Unfortunately, I don’t think there is one. And so, you see, Scott, I cannot be of very much help.

Thank you for your words of appreciation. Post anytime and I will continue to reply.

anita