Dear Scott:

You wrote: “when I speak in terms of danger, how can one evaluate when there is a problem within a relationship?”-

there is no danger for you in your relationship with your girlfriend. And this is the point, again: you are not in real and imminent danger in regard to your relationship with your girlfriend. It only feels this way.

I will explain: for a young fawn, a baby deer, he/she is in real and imminent danger if his mother disappears. If she disappears from his life, abandons him, or consumed by a predator, then the fawn has no way to feed himself and is an easy prey.

We humans are animals, evolved from animals. We carry the same instincts. A child is as afraid to lose his mother as an fawn. A child doesn’t know that there are social services and he can be taken care by a foster home. A child knows what a fawn knows: no mother means death.

Now, since you are an adult, can feed yourself etc., you don’t need your girlfriend for your survival. And so, if she breaks up with you, you are not in danger. It only feels this way because it is the danger that you felt as a child, fearing the loss of your mother, that is being reactivated.

anita