Dear Peyton:

You wrote: “he approaches our disagreements with pre-conceived ideas”- and I have no doubt that he does, because everyone does. Everyone has pre-conceived ideas, ideas conceived in childhood, brought into adulthood. Thing is, if those ideas are congruent with reality, a person can have healthy relationships. If those ideas are not congruent with reality, and diverge from reality significantly, the person cannot have healthy relationship.

Here is an extreme example: let’s say your boyfriend, as a child, was heavily criticized. His pre-conceived idea, as an adult, is that if a person has a different like than him, or a different opinion, or shows any dissatisfaction with his behavior, then that person is criticizing him. He immediately feels angry and lashes out, accusing, not discussing. It is automatic for him.

Do you think this is the case?

anita