Anita,

You wrote : “To be less dependent on others, you need to develop the belief that you are capable of doing the job of taking care of you, working, driving, applying for your own visa… There is no other way to diminish your fear of being alone and overdependence on others.”

1. Can you explain in more detail about this? How can I develop these belief when all my life, I have been treated like a baby that won’t survive without its parents? I really want to stop being dependant on people, because I feel like I became a problem to them and it made me really hard to let go of someone that isn’t in my life any more just because I want to feel safe again by being with them somehow

2. I will answer your question above :

“do you feel that your mother is very attached/ somehow dependent on you and that if you do adequately take care of yourself and need her less, that it will be as if you are betraying her, or abandoning her?”

No, my mother isn’t dependant to me at all. She is a very independent human being, she is very social but she does not “need” people in a sense. She is not dependant to my grandmother (her mother) or my father (her husband) even me (her own daughter) so definitely no. She takes care of herself pretty well.

My mother would be very happy if I can take care of myself to tell you honestly. These days, due to my depression, I have became pretty difficult to handle. Even my ex partner cannot really controlled my behaviour and feelings anymore. I do not feel like I am betraying / abandoning her if I can be independent by myself, but I have never had such feelings in my life. The reason why I am still very much attached and dependant to my parents is because I am the one not wanting to take care of myself due to my fear of being alone. It is too hard and somehow scary for me, to just be out there living my life – without any shield and protection.

I think this is also worth mentioning : I was also very dependant on my teachers. Especially my high school teachers. That is why my transition from HS to College wasn’t very smooth because Professors won’t baby you even if you get good grades, you get the same treatment as everyone. I think it shook me up quite a lot back then.

My teachers and parents were my main “shield” from the real world in a sense. Imagine that you are living in a war country, everyone are wearing a bulletproof vests except for you. You won’t survive, right? For me, the bulletproof vests are my teachers and my parents that protected me from the big bad world. Sounds silly, I know.

I would love to hear feedback, Anita. x

-Mina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Mina.