Dear Crystal:

In your last post you wrote that you “want us to work these ‘lacks’ out and he’s said he would work on it but doesn’t”, and you wrote: “I know that if you are constantly critical of anyone, they will lose interest or feelings for you”

I think it is better to not have a love relationship with a man whom you consider to be as lacking as you consider this man to be. It seems to me that you believe you are being assertive by expressing to him his lacks, but it is not an effective behavior on your part. When a person is repeatedly criticized, his lacks pointed out, the person does lose affection to the one doing the criticism.

You wrote: “I try to praise him and make him feel good whenever I can and especially whenever things are going even better”- praising does not undo the affection-killing affect of criticism. It doesn’t neutralize the damage.

You wrote: “It’s basically like setting my boundaries I think, because talking about things and setting boundaries… and that’s what relationships need, is consistent effort right?”-

I think you are confusing being assertive (which is a requirement for a good relationship and is what is needed for a relationship to improve) with being critical. The two are not the same. If you want to improve a relationship, criticizing the partner, pointing out to his flaws, inadequacies, lacks will promote further deterioration of a relationship.

I don’t know if it is a good idea for you to resume a relationship with him,  but I do believe that the way you went about asserting yourself with him has not been effective and will not be effective with any person with whom you have an intimate relationship.

anita