Dear Shel:

To calm down take slow, deep breaths. Take a break from overthinking by focusing on something you are looking at (a picture on the wall, for example), or the sounds around you… or hold something in your hands and focus on how it feels in your hands (transferring your attention this way from thinking to sensing: seeing, hearing or touching).

To calm down, take a time-out as in a fast walk outside, or a hot bath, or listen to music.

Also, separate how you feel from how you behave: pay attention to your ability to feel distressed and at the same time to not mistreat anyone.  It will calm you down to believe that you are in control of your behavior, that you are able to endure distress and not automatically react to that distress by abusing another/ by not ruining your kids (“ruin my marriage and my kids”).

There is more, of course, but the above would  be a start. Feel free to elaborate on your struggles in further posting.

anita