Dear ataraxia:

You wrote: “I feel that I having this problem is somewhat whiney as compared with other people with their problems. Some struggle for their daily needs and here I am struggling on something people may call a luxury of choice.”-

People who struggle for their daily needs are not necessarily in a better situation than you. They may be in a better situation than you. People who struggle to find food and shelter are usually focused on living, not at all entertaining thoughts of suicide. On the other hand, you have been entertaining such thoughts.

One definition of luxury is: a “state of great comfort.” When you experience life as so difficult that you consider suicide as a relief, I would say, there is no comfort, no luxury whatsoever in that life experience.

You wrote: “When I thought that I dont need to be the one to heal/cure/help people, it calms me down”- what do you think it means, that it calms you down: what is the message to you in the calm you experience when you think that you don’t need to heal, cure, or help people?

One more question: when was the first time you thought you needed to heal/cure/help another person and who was that person?

anita