Hi Craig,

Mmm, sounds painful, for you both. You asked how to support her as well as support yourself. Taking care of yourself is especially important right now. These ideas may seem trite, but I think they’ll help – be sure to eat well, exercise, do things for fun, and stay connected and talking with your friends and family. I suggest also that you read about clinger/avoider and prevalidation/validation on Al Turtle’s website.

It sounds like you’re approaching this smartly.  Be available to your ex, but be cautious about putting yourself in her orbit more than is welcomed. You might think of her as a timid, even frightened, deer, at the edge of a forest, and you are trying to entice her out with a delicious food. What is this food? It can vary a lot by circumstance, but I suggest in this case, your ex may need to be listened to and heard, and validated that whatever experience she is having, it is real for her. If you are able to help her process her thoughts and feelings – within the limits she sets – your level of importance to her increases significantly.

And maybe it doesn’t need to be said, but I will: remember that you can’t fix her or change her, but you can help her to help herself – if she lets you.

Best,

Another Craig