Dear Nan:

You asked: “When does money become the deciding factor in a relationship?”

If it is practically possible for you and first, short-term husband to live together now, to literally rent or buy a place and occupy it as a couple, and pay the rent and necessary bills, be it through employment or social security, or both, then it is practically possible now.

The reason he is staying where he is-  is because he doesn’t want to lose those frozen assets in the future when they get liquidated. The reason you are staying where you are is because you don’t want the distress of what you call “explosions” of divorcing your second, long-term husband, part of which would  be financial.

You and first husband are staying in unfavorable situations in the present time so to not lose money in future time. 

Here is an interesting-to-me observation: these very “unfavorable situations” are presently experienced by both of you, separately, as favorable enough to maintain. It is the changing of these situations that is perceived by the two of you, separately, as unfavorable. Basically, it is the two of you, you and first husband, complaining about your situations, but each one is… reasonably comfortable in your current situations.

anita