Dear lost_star:

You are welcome. What you wrote in your second paragraph fits with what I mean by enduring pain. Regarding the solutions people rush to so to get rid of pain, his gaming is one, when overdone, so are drugs, of course, overeating, overdrinking, over exercising,  over dieting, over… and overly investing time and energy waiting for people to change and trying to change people and established dynamics.

Your ex boyfriend is entrenched in a family dynamic where his role is what it is. He is driven to occupy this role. He didn’t choose this role but as unhappy as he is with it, he either can’t imagine abandoning this role or he is too scared to do so. That fear is powerful. Any sense you talk to him, all the logic you have can’t reach a person who is overwhelmed with fear.

Understanding this, “Surrender” (in the title of your thread) is the better choice.

anita