Dear lost_star:

It pleases me to read such good thinking, clear, realistic, sensible thinking as you express here. My brain exhaled a “Wow” as I read your recent post all the way to “I will also be mindful of the traps that you have detailed out too.”

Regarding the second part of your post, starting with “About the origin of the guilt”-

#1) Childhood: you were taught by your parents (because it was convenient for them) that ” it is wrong to fulfil (your) own needs and others’ needs are more important.”-

you were taught two things:

* that it is your needs or another’s needs, your siblings’ needs or your needs.

* it is wrong for you to attend to your needs and it is right for you to attend to their needs.

These two teachings are wrong. First, it is about your needs and their (others’) needs. A healthy relationship, be it among siblings or with your ex boyfriend, is about Win-Win (-Win, etc.) – all involved need to have a Win, the needs of all need to be attended to. A fair negotiation and resolution to conflicts needs to be taking place, a resolution that adequately satisfies all involved.

Second, it is right for you to attend your needs while not doing so dishonestly or abusively. You take care of your Win end of the interaction with another, open to discuss the other person’s Win.

Because of this learning, the feeling that it is wrong for you to attend to your needs, even in a Win-Win context, is  likely to continue. It is an automatic mental habit, triggered automatically, regardless of rational understanding. Notice when it does and insert corrected thinking into that automatic activation. Do it again and again. Over time, the automatic mental habit will include the new, correct thinking and the feeling that it is right to attend to your own needs.

anita