Dear Angela:

The key sentence in your share, for me, is this: “”I was tired and extremely frustrated with making demands and pushing and pulling for what I want, need, and deserve and being bitterly disappointed over and over.”

Your solution was to minimize making demands and pushing and pulling… minimize wanting and needing. Life was to be easier that way, “Freedom was the goal… being complacent… was a relief” – freedom from distress; satisfied with the bare minimum.

It partly worked for you, life got easier, less distressing, but it went too far and led to you being numb and you “have no motivation or real reason to do much of anything.”

You asked: “How do I want things again? How can I be hopeful when I have never gotten what I wanted regardless of my efforts?”

My answer: taking the middle road. You have gone from one extreme, wanting too much, asking and “BEGGING” you wrote, in capital letters, to wanting too little and being numb, very unmotivated. Avoid both extremes, the All or Nothing approach. Make a small goal for yourself and pursue just the one. Be it a job or a relationship or maybe take a small step in each. Take it slow but deliberate.

anita