Dear Annie:

You wrote: “He told me sometimes when I’m like this it’s hard to be around me. But that is also when I need him the most for emotional support…  don’t know how to deal with negative emotions  in a healthy way so I end up shutting other out”-

There is a way to reach out effectively to others when feeling distressed. Instead of shutting down/ withdrawing, on one hand, and fighting, on the other, there is the middle way: expressing your emotions honestly while taking responsibility for them and doing so respectfully. It is about not expecting the other to solve your problems, but taking any help you can get, any that is available to you, and making the best of it.

Somehow, the two of you need to feel safe in each other’s company, not under a possible attack-to-come, not careful, cautious. The two of you need to know that no matter how any one of you feels, there is no attack, no fight about to happen.

You asked about how to help your anxiety without therapy- this is one way: having a safe relationship. Even in psychotherapy, no help can take place unless the client feels safe with the therapist, accepted, approved of, not about to be criticized or attacked in any way.

There is healing possible in the context of your relationship, if the belief in safety in it can be established.

anita