Maybe you could book an appointment with a counselor with IPT training (see cut & paste job below) & ask your partner to join you for support or to help clarify some of the issues/problems your experiencing (and yes I mean your personal stuff, not his). I’ve always found that no one, including myself, likes to be told what to do/think/feel etc. But if someone loves & cares for you, they will want to help you deal with your own sh** in any way possible. Being open about your own vulnerability & insecurities has an amazing follow on effect; you’re partner will want to reciprocate by sharing their own struggles and your honesty has created a safe space for them to do so.

To ensure this is a positive experience and doesn’t result in additional problems, you have to stick to one golden rule:

Focus on one’s own feelings and not the behaviour of your partner. Do not blame or attack your partner for these feeling – that will only cause more problems 🙁

PS – I want to clarify that the above advice isn’t based on a perception that you are an insecure person, in fact you sound extremely switched on and confident about what you want & what you deserve. Blokes are notoriously bad at discussing the tough stuff and have a tendency to shut down or blow up (hate to stereotype but…) and often this is triggered by a perceived attack or rejection, especially after a divorce. My sister’s been happily married for 6 years and has a beautiful 3 year old – her husband had an extremely tumultuous relationship with his ex-wife and little to no custody of their 4 year old girl…. until he hooked up with my sister and things gradually improved. Now they share almost 50/50 custody and they can communicate without arguments or toxic, hurtful words (my sister and his ex-wife have even managed to find common ground & happily attend school functions with a united front…. after a recent school play my sister remarked that the ex was “hilarious” and they shared a very similar sense of humour. Yep, amicable divorces are possible, they just take time and commitment.

Interpersonal Therapy

Interpersonal therapy, as the name suggests, focuses on the impact that people’s communication patterns, social interactions, and relationships with others play in various problems.

Learning to express emotions in an appropriate and healthy manner is also an important part of interpersonal therapy. It’s also important to examine the impact that clients’ mood, anxiety, and behaviors may be having on their relationships with others. By exploring these issues, clients can make adjustments in the way they interact with others so that not only do their relationships benefit, but their emotional struggles do as well. Through the process, clients also learn to look at their relationships more objectively, which also helps benefits them emotionally.

Interpersonal Therapy Techniques

There are a variety of techniques used in IPT. They include:

Supportive listening – As the name suggests, the therapist listens closely to your issues, experience, and concern, in a matter that is supportive rather than judgmental or critical. This helps establish rapport, creates a safe therapeutic atmosphere, and helps you feel more comfortable opening up in therapy.

Clarification – Your therapist will use clarification to help you identify and understand how your own personal biases and misperceptions are playing a role in your interpersonal issues. Clarification also helps identify patterns in how you feel and think when interacting with others.

Role playing – Role playing involves acting out potential scenarios that will enable you to look at things from a different perspective, as well as practice new behaviors during therapy sessions. For example, the therapist may take on the role of a close friend or family member with whom there is frequent conflict, while you try out different ways of interacting. Role playing also allows you to explore and discuss the emotions you experience during certain interactions. What you learn from role play can then be applied in real life situations outside of therapy.

Communication analysis – Communication analysis is probably one of the most important techniques used in IPT. This involves the therapist having you recall, in detail, a troubling interaction you had with someone in your life. Important details include the tone of voice, hand gestures, body language, and specific statements that were made by you and the other person. This enables the therapist to identify problematic communication patterns that are common in depressed individuals, such as passive behavior that leads to resentment or feeling used by others. These unhealthy patterns serve to reinforce the depression. For example, if you feel worthless or disrespected when others take advantage of you, one of the goals of therapy may be to learn to stand up for yourself and express your feelings in a calm, appropriate manner.

Decision analysis – This technique involves exploring and learning new ways in which to resolve conflicts and other problems that occur in your relationships with others. As you discuss alternative options, you’ll also consider the possible outcomes of using them. This will enable you to choose courses of action which are most likely to yield desired results.

Identifying emotions – Many individuals find it difficult to identify the emotions they’re actually experiencing, particularly if they’re used to suppressing those feelings. For example, sadness may be misinterpreted as anger, and vice versa. Learning to identify your emotions objectively – i.e. without bias, judgment, or moralizing them (i.e. labeling them as “good” or “bad”) – is a valuable skill.   When you judge yourself harshly for feeling a certain way, it reinforces depression.

Expressing emotions appropriately – Most people experience painful and / or intense emotions from time to time – particularly during difficult interactions with others.   If they’re expressed in an unhealthy manner, it typically makes a conflict much worse. During IPT, you can experience uncomfortable emotions in a safe setting, learn how to accept them, and learn how to express them in a healthy, appropriate manner.

Addressing past issues – Although not a focus of therapy, there may be times when discussing past relationships that are impacting your current interactions is essential to moving forward. This can also help identify problematic patterns that stem from those past issues.

Benefits of IPT
There are many potential benefits to be gained from interpersonal therapy:

• More positive and healthy relationships with others
• A rapid decrease in symptoms
• Improved problem-solving skills
• Greater ability to manage and work through grief and loss
• Healthy coping skills that will continue to benefit individuals long after therapy
• Enhanced communication skills
• Greater ability to express emotions appropriately
• Increased self-awareness of problematic interpersonal patterns
• Decrease in anger and hostility
• Decrease in behavior patterns that are self-destructive
• More stable mood