Dear ella:

You wrote that it is not fair to him for you to feel or to express your anger and jealousy over him being out with his friends until 6 am or so. I suppose you are being very considerate of his feelings, not wanting to distress him by expressing your anger, not wanting to spoil his fun.

Thing is, it is not fair to you to keep getting distressed over a situation and not express it or do anything to correct the situation so that you are no longer distressed.

You care about his feelings. Care about your own as well. So you feel guilty for expressing any disapproval of his behavior, as if you are a bad person for it- I understand guilt. Often enough our guilt is not justified, that is, we feel badly about doing… the right thing.

You also feel fear that he will find a prettier girlfriend. This fear is quite understandable and doesn’t make you one with the problem. Reality is breakups do happen, and men do replace girlfriends. It happens, it is not a product of your unrealistic imagination.

If your boyfriend cares for you, then if you assert yourself with him, the relationship is more likely to survive. If he doesn’t care for you and sees you at his convenience when he needs to, then you asserting yourself may end such a casual, non-committed (on his end) relationship.

Do you think he is caring and committed to you?

anita