Dear Adrienne:

In the motivation of people pleasing there is a very natural element, and that is our inborn need to be accepted by others, probably an evolutionary need inherited from herd or pack animals who need the approval of other herd/ pack members so to maintain benefits available in the group, protection from predators, hunting and such.

We can’t help needing acceptance and fearing rejection, but we can help- with awareness and calm- how we seek acceptance and how we react to our fear of rejection.

Making yourself small, not making waves on the outside (the waves of distress do take place inside of you) is not working for you. The solution of course, is to be assertive, to find the middle way between being passive (small) and aggressive (too big), to find the fair middle ground.

I don’t think it was wrong of you at all to get upset over your BIL and wife making big purchases before paying off the loan. You are not the “bad guy” here.

Unfortunately your husband is not assertive either and his idea of apologizing for you is a bad idea. Because you are not the “bad guy”- he is about to apologize to the bad guy, in this context it is the guy who made big purchases while not paying the loan in full!

I hope you post again: we can continue to communicate about this, if you’d like.

anita