Dear Myles:

You wrote: “this overwhelming feeling of shame and disgust followed me wherever I went and told me I was a dirty cheater who didn’t deserve to be happy…”

Having cheated on a boyfriend in the past doesn’t have to define you as a person. Having cheated then does not make you a cheater. Not unless you believe it does, of course. Reads to me that you believe it does, and this is why you feel this shame.

I am challenging this belief: let’s say a person ate scrambled eggs for breakfast on Saturday morning. Is he or she a “scrambled-egg-person”? What if he eats eggs over-easy (my favorite) on Sunday? I hear a voice in my brain saying: this is a ridiculous argument. And I answer: is it? Why is it ridiculous? Perhaps the person had scrambled eggs and didn’t like it, tried over-easy the next day and liked it. Through experience he learned what he likes.

Sure there is an ethical issue in cheating that does not exist in scrambled vs over-easy eggs, but still, you learned through experience that you, Myles, disapprove of cheating. So the next day you are a loyal boyfriend and the next day and on… because you approve of being a loyal boyfriend.

Your poem, “And I don’t know how you kill a part of yourself
…To be held captive by things that happened in the past
…I’d ask ‘What happened to the real me?’”

Cheating is not a part of yourself if you tried it and rejected it. Loyalty is a part of yourself because through experience you learned that you approve of loyalty. You don’t have to be held captive by that cheating in the past. The real you is the loyal Myles.

Think of my argument, challenge your belief.

anita