Hmmm…..Rewards in it for me and experiencing well-being. Now those are very interesting topics that are worth exploring. I have always been the friend that everyone goes to when they were experiences difficulties in their life. Everyone from my best friend to a college buddies wife. Everyone knew that they could sit down with me and talk about whatever was bothering them and I would listen and the conversation would stay there. I have always been a excellent listener, It is something that I take pride in. Whether it is work or my personal life. On the flip side of that, and something that I have just recently started to deal with is my ability to talk about my feelings and emotions. I was a Navy brat and moved around a lot as a child. I had friends but because we moved a lot I didn’t have those really close, tell your soul kinda friends when I was little. I figured out how to process emotions inside my head, which I think is the root of some of jealousy that I hold onto. I know it creates havoc in my marriage because my wife would get mad because I would keep everything in. During arguments I would get to a place where my brain was full or my emotions were all over the place and I wouldn’t know how to deal so I would just withdraw. I needed time to process and clear everything out. Not really a great way to deal with things.

SO back to the rewards and well being. I always felt satisfaction and reward from being there for my family and friends, including my wife. Which is why I was hurt so much and couldn’t understand my feelings about the pills and depression. I felt like I couldnt help her, like I was failing, and I would beat myself up for that. I had the wrong impression that if I couldn’t help her than I shouldn’t deserve being rewarded for anything, or be concerned about my well being.

That all changed a couple of years ago, I had moved my family to Florida to help my Inlaws deal with my Father in Laws Stage 4 cancer. I was living in Maryland still working and travelling, and I would spend a week or so every month in Florida with the family. When I was in Maryland I was drinking to hide my sadness and stress, and one Saturday I woke up in the worst pain of my life. I laid on my bathroom floor all day by myself working through this pain. It wasn’t just the physical pain, it was the emotional pain of what had become of my relationship with my wife, and missing my family horribly. Sunday morning the pain subsided a bit and I worked through it, but on Monday morning I showed up to work and my coworker told me that I needed to go to the ER immediately. I guess I didn’t look that great. Went to the ER and turns out I was passing gall stones. Emergency surgery on Wed to remove my gall bladder. I was alone that entire time and it really had an impact on me, I think that and the fact that I had basically been on a 5 day fast. It is amazing the clarity I gained from that. I scheduled my first doctor appointment in 15 years. Sat down with doc  who told me I was 40 pounds overweight, wanted to put me on heart, cholesterol, and some other prescriptions, and said that I was a walking disaster waiting to happen. It was hard hearing that but I was determined to get my health back and worked for about 2 years to fix everything. I dusted off my camera and started hiking and taking pictures again, I quit drinking alcohol, and focused on figuring out how to sleep better. it was a big hill, but I climbed it and am now healthier than I was at 30.

In the chaos of a new family, stressful work, and a hard marriage, I lost how to take time for myself to make me happy. It is really a chore for me to put myself first and I continue to struggle with that even now. I am getting better with it though and have found great pleasure in doing things I enjoy, like taking pictures and painting. Work in progress  but is at the top of my list now. In order for people around me to be happy, I need to be happy

Onto the second part, I’m not really sure how I proceed. Thinking through it, things could go bad because if she experiences that guilt free feeling, and then turns around a tries to function with the family and feels only guilt, that could be an opportunity to just pull away. I am scared, but need to tell her that she has failed in the past, but that is the past. She has an opportunity to start fresh every minute. I try to encourage opportunities for her to succeed in all areas, and tell her all the time to just take a look at our kids and how wonderful they are, I feel that it just falls on deaf ears. She doesn’t take when I tell her all of the positive things seriously and only focuses on the negatives. I recently wrote her a list of 100 reasons why I love her, it went over very well for a few days, but then reverted back to the “everything is all my fault, and I am a horrible person attitude” It is very difficult, and writing about it hurts, it’s actually put me in a mood. I just love seeing the smile on her face in the morning, and the twinkle in her eyes. It is two different people, when she is taking the pills the twinkle disappears, I can tell she is just squashing all of those emotions.