Dear Matt:

I re-read much of all your posts here, as well as the most recent one. Here are my thoughts:

You wrote:  “I always felt satisfaction and reward from being there for my family and friends, including my wife. Which is why I was hurt so much… I felt like I couldn’t help her, like I was failing”- you find value, pride (the word you used) in being a good listener, in being available for other people’s problems. You find self worth in being able to help other people. That is a reward and a motivation: the more you help, the more self worth you experience.

There is nothing wrong with that motivation. Except for this part, that when you fail to help others, you “would beat myself up for that” and for believing that “if I couldn’t help her than I shouldn’t deserve being rewarded for anything, or be concerned about my well being”.

You wrote: “In order for people around me to be happy, I need to be happy”- this is what helpers, like you, often tell themselves, still keeping the motivation to help  others as a higher priority than helping themselves, figuring something like: I better help myself so that I can better help others. As if you (the helper) is less valuable than another person (the helped one).

In order to help others you have an expectation of yourself, reads to me, of operating perfectly. Any imperfection, or perceived imperfection, and you figure you failed. When you have strong emotions, I think you perceive them as part of your imperfection: “first thing I did was lose my shit, like the jealous husband is ‘supposed; to do… of course lost my head, made a complete ass of myself and said lots of things that I should not have said. I expressed my raw emotions… ”

You criticized yourself in the above quotes for expressing those raw, intense emotions, but I think you also criticize yourself for experiencing them. You wrote that you “will learn about my feelings and getting down to the root cause for these negative feelings, it is a on-going fight that will continue to allow me to be a better person” – as if experiencing distressing or unpleasant feelings makes you a bad person, and if you got to the root cause of those… undesirable experiences, and eliminated them, then you will become a better person.

I would like to read your reply to my thoughts so far.

(I am adding the following quotes for thoughts I already have and would like to communicate to you in a future post: “It is really a chore for me to put myself first…I try to encourage opportunities for her to succeed in all areas, and tell her all the time to just take a look at our kids and how wonderful they are, I feel that it just falls on deaf ears. She doesn’t take when I tell her all of the positive things ..I just love seeing the smile on her face..”)

anita