Anita,

I understand. What I have been feeling is not his pain, but my own.

Gyunnie did not created it, I created it by myself, my own mind created it.

I agree with the statement that those around me are indeed sometimes feeling sad / discontent but I never acted like this, I never actually “tortured” myself.

I mean yeah I feel sorry / bad for them but it will just be for a moment and I won’t even let it affect my life, at all.

Me “concerning” Gyunnie is indeed a form of self torture.

Self torture that comes from my own guilt, for not being the best girlfriend for him. For not being more supportive and understanding through his difficult times, maybe things would have been different IF I were more supportive of him, who knows.

I blame myself for losing him, it is my own fault that I lost someone that I loved.

I deserve to be punish for that, and that punishment is – feeling that constant concern and worry over Gyunnie happiness and well being.

I do not deserve to be happy if he is not happy. I do not deserve to be healthy if he is suffering mentally.

-Monica