You criticized yourself in the above quotes for expressing those raw, intense emotions, but I think you also criticize yourself for experiencing them. You wrote that you “will learn about my feelings and getting down to the root cause for these negative feelings, it is a on-going fight that will continue to allow me to be a better person” – as if experiencing distressing or unpleasant feelings makes you a bad person, and if you got to the root cause of those… undesirable experiences, and eliminated them, then you will become a better person.

I would like to read your reply to my thoughts so far.

Anita,

I definitely see your point, and I think you are right. I don’t know how to deal with the raw emotions. When they swing too far one way or the other, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. Even on the happiness side, I have a hard time just letting go and feeling that unadulterated joy. A prime example would be laying on the bed with my wife and daughter, my daughter loves to tickle me because the wife is not ticklish and I am very. I always try to shut it down before it gets going. I am not sure why, maybe what I need to do is start pushing those limits and understanding that it is okay.

Except for this part, that when you fail to help others, you “would beat myself up for that” and for believing that “if I couldn’t help her than I shouldn’t deserve being rewarded for anything, or be concerned about my well being”.

So the only thing I would add to this is that I only beat myself up when it comes to my wife, like I feel guilt for not being able to support her the way she needed. And looking at it, there is plenty that I deserve reward for through all of this. I can give myself credit for quite a lot of things, but where I failed is giving myself the reward. I did feel like I didn’t deserve rewarding myself if she was still laying in the bed depressed and unable to do anything. For some reason I put a lot of that blame on myself because I did not know how the disease worked. She didn’t help either because she held a lot of those little rewards I would give myself over my head. Example, I used to coach a Women softball team, that one game a week was my reward. It was a break from the house, and the stress. But when she was abusing ambien, she would always use that against me and would say just about anything to make me feel guilty. After a while I just gave it up because i didn’t like the fight and wouldn’t stand up for myself.

I think this response that you have given me has opened a lot of doors that I need to look in, very insightful and has given me quite a lot to chew on. I keep re-reading it and every time a new revelation pops into my head.

On a positive note, the last week or so with my wife has been very hopeful and positive. We have had a lot of great conversations about our life/needs/wants. There has been no additional talk about “Jay” or meeting with him. She has been in a better mood and the talking has been so refreshing even though some of them have been difficult. We try to take 15 mintues everyday to just lay on the bed, me and her, with the door locked, and spend that time together. It has been a very happy week. I know that we are not out of the woods yet, but I am appreciating the week. Tomorrow we have a big family day planned, with Halloween decorations, costume shopping, a big dinner and movie planned with the family. I am really looking forward to it.

Thank-you again

Matt