X,

Yeah he sounds like a study in narcissism, and I am certain there is a hole there that needed to be addressed and filled but he chose to take the easy way out, when those feelings welled up, throw it out and start again. I think we can all agree that feelings and emotions can suck and hurt to a depth that is honestly beyond belief. They can also provide euphoria that is beyond belief. I still vividly remember the emotions that my wife and I shared the first couple of minutes after they brought our daughter to us from the nursery. Tears, smiles, laughter, fear…take them all roll them up and smack me in the face. I can see how someone could become addicted to those feelings that come about in the beginning of any relationship

If you ask me, for me, I would prefer to know about it. Because if the man swore to be mine and only mine, but then went ahead and had that encounter, it means that he is not to be trusted. And I need to be able to trust my partner 100%.

I feel the same way, I think that the trust aspect is where the hurt comes from. Now can broken trust ever be fully reconciled in a relationship, or do people just lie to themselves for the sake of love. The reason I ask this, and here is where I am having a hard time putting my thoughts into words.

So why is sex with another person the deal breaker in a marriage? ( I am not sure that is the correct way to put it) I don’t know, I have never cheated on my wife, but I have met women who I was physically attracted to. On the same note I have also watched porn, and there have been times when I fantasized about having sex with women who weren’t my wife. Should these be deal breakers? Maybe… But afterward I still loved my wife the same way. On the negative side; because I didn’t disclose to her that I had these fantasies, Is this cheating on our marriage? IS it in fact the definition of marriage is the active ability to withhold desire for the sake of your spouse? I am not trying to talk myself into an open marriage, but I am trying to find why suppressing feelings could be positive for a marriage. I know plenty of people who keep some fairly intense things from their wives and husbands, and from the outside they have great marriages. Is that a better way to live life then to be honest about the feelings of desiring other people and acting upon it if everyone is on the same page. Does that make sense?

So what did he provide you during your relationship? Do you think looking back that if you found out he was still being intimate with your wife you would have broke everything off, or just found a way to deal because of what he provided you?And do you think that if you find a person that provides you the everything that you need right now, they would be worth doing anything for?

These are interesting ideas that I am not sure there are answers for because like you said we are so complicated. Oh one other question, how close do you think you could get to a person of the opposite sex (while being in an intimate relationship)without it being physical, ie. sex?

Have a Great night,

Matt