Hey man,

First off let me just say that I relate to your story 110%! My ex girl did very much the same thing to me, except she didn’t run off with the guy I had suspicions about, turns out she strung him along too! Now she’s with some next guy and they live in the UK!

As far as the pain goes I have very little advice for getting rid of it – as I am still coping with some residual pain and heartbreak as well (we broke up almost 2 years ago). Here are some of my thoughts about your situation:

Her actions first and foremost, are NOT a reflection on you! She is clearly an unstable and unsettled individual who is acting recklessly and selfishly. She is only concerned with making HERSELF feel better, and you my unfortunate friend happened to be caught in the crossfire. You acted in a direct and honest way, by saying (among other things) that if she wasn’t happy she should leave and communicating your need for more emotional commitment from her clearly. Thus there was no ambiguity about what you may have wanted from the relationship – SHE refused to provide these commitments and I daresay manipulated you into believing something that would serve her purposes. I understand just how devastated you are; you were bargaining in good faith and you expected her to as well and she didn’t – I repeat that’s a reflection on her.

As for her “being happy with someone else” – I would seriously challenge that notion. Although your anxiety and sadness wants you to believe that she is happy with this new guy, she was obviously a master manipulator who used people to soothe emotional wounds. Therefore there is no logical reason to believe that she is any better off with this next guy then she was with you – presumably things were “happy” for a time with the two of you, and she will repeat this phase with this next guy, however the shine will wear off, her emotions may change, or she may find someone knew who excites her in ways he can’t. Maybe he’s clingy, maybe he’s a cheater, maybe she’s a cheater? You simply don’t know what is happening in the lives of others and I think for you that is a blessing.

My advice, for the time being focus on yourself!! Absolutely cut off contact with her and expunge her from your life, leave no trace of this selfish, manipulative woman standing; she simply didn’t exist. Keep pursuing the gym, your hobbies and your goals, better yourself in every way because if she doesn’t rue the day she treated you poorly now, eventually she will. Right now you have two options; give in to the pain, roll over and die, or use it to better yourself, establish boundaries and re-invent this area of your life into something that is comfortable and serves YOU! You are NOT wrong for feeling hurt and betrayed, you were (in almost every sense) I mean for God sake she took advantage of post coital cuddles to drop bombs FFS!! Allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to mourn, just don’t set up shop there friend. Eventually the pain will lessen as you process and cry out these emotions.

I am SO SORRY you went through this man! But know that you have someone who believes in you out there! Keep your head up, and remember: This too shall pass.

Hope your day gets better bud! Cheers.

-Mike