Hm-m-m, I am not sure it is about the ego. Or maybe I don’t quite see what you mean here. I remember that after the devastation that my breakup with #1 wrought on me, I talked about it to maybe from 7 to 10 people altogether over the course of three months or so. I think at a certain point my whole being just gets tired being stuck on the same thing, kind of gets bored of recounting and rehashing the same story over and over. And it stops. I suspect that this writing here, on this site, would be my last episode of processing that. It is also logical to an extent because about two months ago I stopped having that guy on my mind all the time, the one I had had for over a year.

What she chooses to do does not change any of those things.

Yes! That is very important! You are who you are, and you are not defined by what others do to you. You do what you need to do and leave the rest to fate, life, destiny, God, what- or whomever, to the natural flow of events.

It is terribly hard for somebody like me to let go, but I fully agree with those quotes and blogs that mention that letting go also brings on a feeling of being at peace. You let life in.

what do you think makes up a soulmate?

I am afraid I stopped believing in soulmates after #3. You know, I sort of kept putting off and off this moment, first agreeing that okay, maybe #1 or #2 weren’t my soulmate, but I never had intercourse with them. But after #3, after that intense chemistry, so many things in common (like attracts like, and I can see where certain features or beliefs of mine could correspond to his, that is why I, the way I was then, could attract somebody like him), after the love we shared, all those experiences together, that much time together as a couple, after all that became nothing, a folder on my computer that I have absolutely no desire to open, a sealed envelope with my analyses of the situations and lists and several photos (well, he helped me tremendously assembling furniture and setting my up when I moved in my current location, but since he doesn’t care about it any more, I had a moral right not to think about it and to release it all; also, one’s eye gets used to what one sees every day), I can only believe in that the world is ruled by chance and there are only coincidences. Like they say in physics (and nobody really seems to understand how this may be so, but it seems to be so), nature tries to achieve entropy, chaos, not the state of perfect order and regularity and consistency.

That’s my take on it now. In other words, we indeed can have many soulmates, depending on what stage in life (and in our personal development) we are at.

She tells me that I do the same for her, and I really believe her.

This is very encouraging! But I don’t see how an open marriage can help you to achieve a better state of being if the idea of it is not appealing to you (more below). Besides (sorry, and I am very well aware that your wife is not my ex) people say things that they don’t believe, people say things that they believe in while they are saying them, people’s stances and opinions change, etc.

Matt, when I mentioned to that male acquaintance of mine whose criterion of finding a woman attractive or not was a look at a “family photo” from afar, that my ex may very well come back to me, he was very expressive and flat. “Once cheated, that’s the end of it.” Turned out his wife had cheated on him; he is now married for the second time and says that is much much happier than he was before or could ever imagine to be.

In fact, I am surprised that you are so open to the idea of an open marriage. I was under the impression that men are far more possessive than women.

You know, it hit me on the head yesterday what you were trying to do with this open marriage thing. You were trying to do exactly what I was trying to do with the idea of being my #2’s and #3’s mistress – what does it matter if they don’t sleep with their wives, if their marriages are only on paper? Especially, if the wife knows about me (like with #3)? I am not after their fortune, I don’t care about appearing in society or at work with them, I only want to be the one who is on their minds and whom they care about more than anything. Turned out it was impossible.

The same was when I got this, this and that pointing at (as my gut would tell me) that my ex’s interest in me was on the wane.

I tried to logically talk myself into that this is not it, brought up examples when I felt it was A, but in reality it was B, remembered all those articles that read that passions could not always run high, that feelings wax and wane, that I need to give him more freedom, etc.

Turned out my gut was right. Actually, my most recent guy told me as well that he believed one should go with the intuition.

AND, Matt, this was exactly anita’s point on that other thread of mine. That I should trust my emotions (logic and reason make up only half of a human being; we are not machines or computers) and that I should stop paying that much attention to details and go with the overall, general impression, the big picture.

I believe that is exactly what you are trying to do. You don’t like the idea on your basic, instinctive level, but you are trying to talk yourself into, thinking “But if I look at it from this angle? Or from this one? And if I stand on my head?…” However, what you are examining doesn’t change from the way you are looking at it, nor does your attitude, that deeper, basic, instinctive attitude.

You might think my example is not very appropriate, but here it is. I can’t stand spinach. That is, if it is spinach in greens, fine, if it is spinach pasta, great, but I can’t stand canned spinach. I get a gag reflex at the slightest smell of it. Well, I know that spinach is super healthy (as for the open marriage, it is not so unequivocal), so I am trying myself to talk into eating it. I pinch my nose, I try to concentrate on all of the taste receptors in my mouth, but no matter what I do, when the fork is one inch away from my mouth, I gag.

I think you are trying to do the very same thing.

Well, with spinach, I can get the same vitamins and minerals elsewhere.

With your wife, it is different. You are not trying to convince yourself to love your wife, you are trying to convince yourself to love what your wife loves (let’s put it this way).

The difference from the pleasure received from the hike is that your wife doesn’t mind that you are hiking (I should think she doesn’t, but if, for instance, you were drinking or if you were a drug-addict?) whereas you don’t instinctively like the idea that she receives pleasure from another person.

I think you need to explore more that feeling of what you are afraid of and what would happen if you don’t do it.

Again, I think the key thing here is what YOU are FEELING when you think of her and that other man.

Another prospective. She (or another woman in her place) may think that you are a door mat if you agreed to share her with somebody.

What if this was a test?

You never know what result the other person expects.

Better be yourself.

My first, bigger post is awaiting moderation. The other day it happened, it took about 10 or 12 hours for the post to appear.

Have a great Friday night and a really good weekend!

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