Dear insparagus:

Your last sentence, above, is: “I think the regret I’m feeling is at least proof of that (of “I am not a monster”).

The obsession or rumination over the teenage incidents may be a way for you to prove to yourself that you are not a bad person, not a monster. As long as you feel badly about the mistakes you made, that means you are not a bad person. Can it be?

It is painful to live life believing you are a bad person, a monster. Every mistake, every imperfection seems like “proof” that indeed you are a bad person. And a bad person does not deserve to live a good life, to experience well-being. Did you consider attending quality psychotherapy so to tackle this core belief, to look into it, challenge it?

anita