Anita,

You wrote : “This is why you value brand name clothes and purses and such, why you valued Gyunnie as much as you did, because he was a local in K, a Korean, the head of the student council.”

This is correct. I think throughout my life, I always use my education, my looks and my boyfriend to gain and define any social value that I have. People (Koreans) does not even know my name but they know me as “that foreigner that dress well and whose boyfriend is the president of student council in Business school”

I do not want to define myself like that … but it has been like that since 19 years. I seek validation from my looks, education and my partner. I used to seek validation from “cool” friends as well, until I realise what is “cool” is to be friends with everybody regardless of their looks and social position.

I learnt it the hard way for that one. Even now, I still judge people silently. A lot, almost everyday. From their boyfriends that looks like a total loser to me, to their weird fashion choices that looks so cheap, even my best friends parents that never let their kids to go overseas, I judge everyone when I feel like they are not up to my standards.

I remember one incident worth remembering, Gyunnie was going to introduced me to his best friend, he is not a KU student, so I have never met him before. Before we met, I was so nervous and so self conscious about what I should wear. I talked and expressed it to Gyunnie, he told me to just relax – that his best friend won’t judge someone based on their appearance at all. That his friend is really nice and open minded as well.

Gyunnie joked about it and told me that “Ah .. you are my girlfriend after all, you overthink just like I do.”

I realise now that it was not overthinking, it is worrying and concerning about what others think of you. Because you put emphasises in your reputation. Gyunnie is also like that, he just does not realise it yet, like how I was before I talked to you.

Gyunnie became the president of student council because of someone (his senior) during high school. That senior went to KU and became the president, that was one of the main reason why Gyunnie was so unhappy during his studies in KU. He was merely following a validation that he wanted to get from that senior of his. That he was able to do all things that he did. That they are equal. Gyunnie told me now that he had done all those things that his senior did, his senior does not seem so big and so important anymore.

I guess it is true that we attract a partner that reflects ourselves, a perfect case for me and Gyunnie.

You wrote : “Another problem is that the reputation you hold at one point is easily lost. Gyunnie left K and as you wrote before, he is a nobody there (your word)”

I agree with this. Well, maybe not “nobody” but he was someone at least. and he is still respected in a sense perhaps. I do not know how people sees Gyunnie now. He did not even finished his term as the president, I imagine a lot of rage from Koreans. Maybe they are mad, maybe they are upset and disappointed. I have no idea. It is not my major, you have to ask Business people major for that.

You wrote : “Well, maybe the way is to change what you value. I figure, if valuing reputation works for you, brings you peace of mind, then hold on to it. But if it doesn’t, then it is up to you to reconsider, evaluate, perhaps.”

Valuing reputations WORKED for me in the past, before I came to Korea. I had a reputation, and that reputation was something that I put a lot of hard work and efforts on. Putting the same hard work and efforts here does NOT work. People are better, prettier, smarter and nicer than me. I have NO reputation. No reputation = no self esteem. Gyunnie created MY self esteem when we were dating. It worked, Anita. People went like “WOW” when I told them whose my boyfriend, they respected me and talked to me. Even asked for my help.

It sounds superficial and shallow but people VALUES those shallow things. Like your status, your clothes and purses brand. and most importantly your education.

-Monica